OK, being somewhat introverted and a bit of a recluse these days, with social awkwardness and some social anxiety, I don’t really have any friends that I can comfortably have this conversation with, so I thought I’d bung it on here just to get a few things down in writing.
I am bisexual. Or maybe it’s pansexual, I don’t know. I love pussy, cock, women and men, and the various and lovely combinations they come in. Although, being the same sex virgin that I am, when I say I love cock and men, it’s the image/thought and the feeling I get.
It’s only in the last few months that I identify myself as bi. I’m not out publicly, I haven’t told my wife, but I just haven’t found the opportunity. It’s not going to change anything. I’m not looking to try anything as I’m married and faithful to my wife.
I know she and I do not have a sex life at the moment, but I’m just not looking elsewhere for it. I want to have sex with her, no one else. My wife knows I’m a bit curious from talks during the early part of our relationship and can be quite camp at times. We even shared a top 5 of same sex people we’d fuck. I seem to remember mine being mostly guys with long hair and beards from metal bands.
I’m not coming out as bi to my mum or anyone else, unless of course a conversation goes in that direction or my marriage ends and I venture into the exciting and fabulous unknown.
Growing up, my parents were very liberal and non-religious. If I had come out then, there was never anything to make me think they’d be anything other than fully accepting and supportive. My sister is bi and came out during her 20s. She’s an utter cunt though so I’ll leave her out of this.
At school in the late 80s to mid 90s there was the usual banter going round that school kids do, who at the time were not educated about sexuality. All sex education was hetro based. Sex is for making babies etc. Everything on TV seemed hetro too.
I remember at around 10 or 11 years of age there was a kid at school who was obsessed with getting hard and making his trousers twitch in class. If the teacher was showing a video, kids would gather on the floor in front of the TV, but there’d be a group of us boys sitting in a row on the tables at the back, the twitcher was twitching away, the other boys were laughing and some trying to join in. I think even comparing tents, but I couldn’t stop looking, trying to be as subtle as possible though.
I was attracted to girls in my school, and I never thought about boys in that way. I never had a girlfriend at all during my school years. I was too shy. Looking back now, perhaps I was insecure/confused about my sexuality without realising it and just thought I was shy around girls. Most of my friends I hung around with were the better looking of the boys and very popular with the girls, unlike myself who was spotty and fat but liked by everyone.
In high school there was a boy in my year who’d get picked on from time to time for supposedly being gay. He wasn’t out, but had a girlfriend (which I know doesn’t actually mean anything). He was a really nice kid, very softly spoken and only hung around with girls (one of them was his girlfriend), which is what probably fueled a lot of the teasing. I found him on Facebook about 5 years ago and it warmed my heart to see that he was now in a civil partnership with a guy.
Kids can be arseholes when not educated properly. I guess even with the right education they can still be arseholes.
I had cable TV in my bedroom so would record as many films as I could. If there was a sex scene I would obsess over trying to see a glimpse of cock. There was one film that I remember called The Colour of Night with Bruce Willis. I wasn’t, and am not attracted to him, but in this film there was a sex scene with him in a pool with Jane March and if I paused it at the right moment you could see his cock. It turned me on so much but I never thought of it as gay or myself as gay. To me it was just part of the sex scene and cock just made it a little more real. There were countless other films I’d watch trying to catch a glimpse of some dick. Because you hardly saw a penis in movies, it was always tits and some hairy pussy. Seeing dick was the ultimate find for me, until I moved onto proper porn.
I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22, with my first girlfriend in a grubby toilet cubicle in a grubby but awesome Techno club in London while fucked on pills. Until then I was an experienced wanker, but I did still want sex. I was just too shy to try anything and would end up being a friend.
In my mid/late 20s I used Adult Friend Finder for hook ups. Only with women though and it certainly delivered what I was looking for. I wanted the sex but didn’t want relationships, as did the women I met up with. When I was thinking of coming off the site I thought I would change my profile to bi-curious and I got chatting to a few guys. The chat with them turned me on but when it came to arranging a meet I chickened out. I just thought it wasn’t for me, I’m straight etc etc. I feel a bit bad if they felt I led them on, that was never the intention.
When I was 31 a very close friend of mine (friends for over 10 years) came out. My wife (then girlfriend) and I suspected it for a number of months but wasn’t going to say anything until he did. It was nothing to do with us anyway. Once he was out I think that helped me become more accepting of my curious side. A lot of the porn that I was watching was a lot more “men” focused. Bisexual mmf, TS girls, solo guy videos for example. I would just tell myself it was the cock I liked, nothing else. I love mine, why not others?
My now out friend and I have since lost touch over the years since and I never told him about the things that I felt about myself, but it’s also the last few years that I’ve realised I’m more than curious and now consider myself bisexual. I’m accepting of the fact I’m actually attracted to the guy that the penis is attached to.
I’m kicking myself now though. I spent most of my 20s single, but also throughout most of my 20s I was a Hard House/Trance and Techno DJ in London. Regularly DJ’ing at clubs that had huge gay followings. If only I really knew myself then like I do now I’m closing in on 40. Such as life I guess.